Friday, April 22, 2005
For Him, at Least
She remembered.
And that was important. But she never really let that she remembered. She couldn't.
She remembered the fellow, and the conversation they'd had. And out slipped, "Vore, s'u wa me'ame". Just out of the blue. Something she had remembered and had always said to herself, when drunk. The words of a seeming ghost that echoed in her brain. She knew what it meant, and like a lot of their language, was not translatable. It was a feeling more than words. "I understand and I know in my heart you wrong and confused." Not to be confused with "Vo'ei, s'u wa' a'me'ame"...[vowei, swoo waw, ah meh, ah me]..."that which i know is intrinsically me"...a confession of love, so deep and profound. Not a "I love you" or even "I understand you", but a "I understand you so much I'm looking into a mirror reflection when I see you." An opposite of the same understanding, mirroring a lover so much. They were easy to understand, once you knew how logically emotional they were. But her slip revealed her. And she was sure he had heard it. Because he had asked something then. Of course, being drunk, she didn't remember what he had asked, but now it was clear: He knew. And now she was in "the house without walls, but with constraints", a perfect metaphor for an "institution" as any. The same questions that she refused to answer, by people who looked like her but could be their agents. She refused to answer because she knew of "Wicked", of the mirror. Hell, of anything. But now that she remembered, the questions that the "therapist" asked became threatening.
"Av, verome, mir wats'su mere" she thought. ["Electricity of God, in a moment"]. They had a God, but it was not the god that most humans believed in. She knew that. That is what made it hard for her, becuase she believed in their god more than hers. But she also knew her bible well enough that God wasn't always fire and brimstone, that at times, God allowed evil. And that was their concept: That which is most evil is God, and that which is God can be most evil. But even then, in the limited words, was not the full description. It was a feeling, of awe, of wonder, of pain so unbelivable, of joy so estatic to make you manic for life. She thought she had come up with the concept on her own, but it had been their influence. And maybe that's what they wanted to know about.
And then there was the storm...God's own electricity that spurred the weirdest episode in her life....
She remembered.
And that was important. But she never really let that she remembered. She couldn't.
She remembered the fellow, and the conversation they'd had. And out slipped, "Vore, s'u wa me'ame". Just out of the blue. Something she had remembered and had always said to herself, when drunk. The words of a seeming ghost that echoed in her brain. She knew what it meant, and like a lot of their language, was not translatable. It was a feeling more than words. "I understand and I know in my heart you wrong and confused." Not to be confused with "Vo'ei, s'u wa' a'me'ame"...[vowei, swoo waw, ah meh, ah me]..."that which i know is intrinsically me"...a confession of love, so deep and profound. Not a "I love you" or even "I understand you", but a "I understand you so much I'm looking into a mirror reflection when I see you." An opposite of the same understanding, mirroring a lover so much. They were easy to understand, once you knew how logically emotional they were. But her slip revealed her. And she was sure he had heard it. Because he had asked something then. Of course, being drunk, she didn't remember what he had asked, but now it was clear: He knew. And now she was in "the house without walls, but with constraints", a perfect metaphor for an "institution" as any. The same questions that she refused to answer, by people who looked like her but could be their agents. She refused to answer because she knew of "Wicked", of the mirror. Hell, of anything. But now that she remembered, the questions that the "therapist" asked became threatening.
"Av, verome, mir wats'su mere" she thought. ["Electricity of God, in a moment"]. They had a God, but it was not the god that most humans believed in. She knew that. That is what made it hard for her, becuase she believed in their god more than hers. But she also knew her bible well enough that God wasn't always fire and brimstone, that at times, God allowed evil. And that was their concept: That which is most evil is God, and that which is God can be most evil. But even then, in the limited words, was not the full description. It was a feeling, of awe, of wonder, of pain so unbelivable, of joy so estatic to make you manic for life. She thought she had come up with the concept on her own, but it had been their influence. And maybe that's what they wanted to know about.
And then there was the storm...God's own electricity that spurred the weirdest episode in her life....
Friday, April 15, 2005
She Knows
Crazy Girl knew.
Finally, she knew.
She had been in a parking lot. A small one.
And she had insulted a "militia man". He had amitted as much to her friends. But he was the the one who turned her in. God only knows what he said, but she knew it was him.
After arguing about history that he clearly didn't know, he turned her in for being smarter or more intelligent than he was. She had a degree that he didn't. And now was she was here.
They had come in a van. Not black or white, but a van of nondescriptness. Like in "The Handmaiden's Tale" but more "1984". The Shadows, who control more than anything....they are the 1% who own 85%. And she knew that...about the decendants. She was one, but not one of privelivge. That made her "dangerous". "If you deny it," it had been whispered to her, "you will be nothing more than a novel threat." She had been careless. She talked about the "talents" freely. And now she was a threat.
She had left the bar because the ex was there with his new flame. She didn't want to be there. So she went out to her car, and a guy was there. The same guy that she had had an arguement with. And he had not been pleased with that, especially when she quoted from texts. Walking out to her car....and there was a van. People got out...and hurt her. Slap! Against her head. Out like a light and the next thing she remembered was the room....the stifling room. Shadows....
"shado'on, me'sn, vie mir'a mir'a'mein'me, mosra,tosnn, so'vre, ah'me."..."you are who I am, why do you treat me as if I am not? Not one, but one, so be it, so mean it..".
And the thuderstorm happened....
Crazy Girl knew.
Finally, she knew.
She had been in a parking lot. A small one.
And she had insulted a "militia man". He had amitted as much to her friends. But he was the the one who turned her in. God only knows what he said, but she knew it was him.
After arguing about history that he clearly didn't know, he turned her in for being smarter or more intelligent than he was. She had a degree that he didn't. And now was she was here.
They had come in a van. Not black or white, but a van of nondescriptness. Like in "The Handmaiden's Tale" but more "1984". The Shadows, who control more than anything....they are the 1% who own 85%. And she knew that...about the decendants. She was one, but not one of privelivge. That made her "dangerous". "If you deny it," it had been whispered to her, "you will be nothing more than a novel threat." She had been careless. She talked about the "talents" freely. And now she was a threat.
She had left the bar because the ex was there with his new flame. She didn't want to be there. So she went out to her car, and a guy was there. The same guy that she had had an arguement with. And he had not been pleased with that, especially when she quoted from texts. Walking out to her car....and there was a van. People got out...and hurt her. Slap! Against her head. Out like a light and the next thing she remembered was the room....the stifling room. Shadows....
"shado'on, me'sn, vie mir'a mir'a'mein'me, mosra,tosnn, so'vre, ah'me."..."you are who I am, why do you treat me as if I am not? Not one, but one, so be it, so mean it..".
And the thuderstorm happened....
