Crazy Girl In Crazy World

Around It Goes

The cycle is always there...humans, the cyclical creatures. Fall, Winter, Summer, Spring. Love, Life, and Happiness. And Nothingness. She can feel the spinning of the earth and it feels like a whorl, a downward spiral of sorts, into an abyss of nothingness, into a world that curiously is much like the one she's in but it's different. There's people like her...people with the right amount of idealism and cynicism. People who care and can get mad but also realize that they have their opinions and let others have theirs. In this world is where Crazy Girl's true love lies. He is the shadow against the dark. He is the saving hand in the deprevation of the fog. He is the mysterious one, the one of comfort and of love. Everything she is and isn't and pretends to be so he is. He lives in twilight, not sunlight, not only night. Together, these two angelic demons have the power to crush the world and to save it from ruin. They are fair judges and harsh executioners. Their love is a love that is completely misunderstood and laughed at but it is the only real love that superceedes all other kinds of love. It is the only kind of love that conveys meaning in a single look, a single touch...even in presence or lack thereof. It is a breathtaking and breathless love. Crazy Girl feels sad becuase she can't have him. She can't find him. She sees bits in other men, sometimes, but he knows who he is...he knows who she is. He's dreamed of her too. Their love is love for eternity. A world that includes just them, seperate from the rest of the world. It is a love that includes hate and negatives but is mostly positive and forgiving. Crazy Girl forgives the world because the world will never forgive her....

Tears stream down Crazy Girl's face. The world is harsh, and it's even more mean to Crazy Girl in particular. She stands inbetween those who not only do not believe in God, but believe in nothing. Not believing in God is fine. Not believing in anything isn't. People who believe in nothing don't forgive or have compassion and just drift there justifying their existence by the fact that they're here, entitiled to anything and everything. Even Wiccans can be forgiving and compassionate. But also there are the Christians who believe in entitlement. As if just believing in Jesus Christ automatically saves you. That doesn't make sense. That's too easy, too trite. "Are you saved?" they ask. "I won't know until I get to heaven," she responds. Her understanding of religion is too deep and complex for many people to understand so they make fun of her, either for being Christian or for being Catholic. She has seen the lions and it's you. She shies away from discussions on religion because it always turns into "Those Damn Fascist Christians" or "Those Hideously Evil Paganistic Catholics Who Will Fry In Hell". She is amused by these two groups because they are so alike except for their religions. They don't see it, they are oblivious to the fact that they're using the same names and the same arguements to hate each other. Religion is in rituals and traditions; faith and belief are what make a Christian, or any other religion that people believe in. Everyone loves the hebrew (old) testement God; He will crush your enemies and the unfaithful. But that isn't the teachings of Jesus, which, being a Christian, confuses Crazy Girl about other Christians. Jesus was about compassion and forgiveness. Judgement is up to God. What's so hard to understand about that? What's so hard about letting stuff go? What's so hard about stopping yourself from judging the world and letting God do it for you? For all of Crazy Girl's harsh indictments of people, deep down she doesn't care about it. Ultimately, God takes care of that. So what people are mean to her and are totally loopy? That's not her department. They will get what is due to them. All she can do is just forgive them. But it gets hard to do that when people don't understand what that is all about...and then personally attack her for believing in the God she does. She doesn't care what religion anyone is. She doesn't even really care if a person doesn't believe anything. She just doesn't like being mocked because she chooses to believe in God. As if someone's beliefs are totally superior to anyone else's. Just because she's a Christian doesn't mean that she believes that she has the superior religion. "It is you who say I am".

In her world, religion isn't a big deal. People have their religions and pretty much keep their faiths to themselves. They do try to convert people but they aren't harsh and insulting about it. In her world, everyone realizes that they have their own beliefs and religions and that's perfectly okay because the people of her world value different viewpoints. Those of different religions sit around and discuss their respective religions without insulting each other and inform each other of the various beliefs, and no one thinks that one's faith is jeopordized by listening to other people's beliefs. There is tolerance in her world. She misses that.

There's two kinds of people here; those who are idealistic, and those who are cynical. There are very little realists here. The idealistic want to live life one way and attempt to do so without really considering the consequences of what they're doing. The cynical live life in such a hopeless manner because they don't believe in the concept of happy or good. These two groups are always fighting each other, mocking and arguing to point of absurdity. The realists are idealistic in that they believe certain things should be certain ways that benefit the whole of society but they are cynical enough to realize that it may not work. They use the framworks of society to change it from within. In Crazy Girl's world, there's a million realists and very little of the other two. The realists have different viewpoints but they listen to each other and decide for themselves if someone has a valid arguement or not. They don't get insulting. No one has to get defensive. It's positively wonderful.

Crazy Girl tries to make this world like her world. But she feels lost and unheard. That's why she wishes her true love was here. Together they'd conquer the world. Maybe then Crazy Girl will have the redemption she seeks. Maybe then she can return to her world and live in relative peace.

Or maybe she'll remain stranded on this place called Earth, a punishment so cruel, but so deserved for her one sin....

Life As It Seems

This time her eyes are wide open and she isn't staring into her beer. She's staring out the window, clutching her cup of coffee, holding on for dear life. Look out the window and you'll see nothing. She sees nothing as well, if she were to actually be looking out at the street.

Instead, a story is playing in her head, set to the music that she's currently playing. It's a good story, one about love, about hate, and about what anyone will do to anyone else just to get money and power, even if it means trying to kill the one prophet that will save them from ruin. What if the prophecy includes a clause that states that the prophecy won't come true because no one will know until it's too late that a certain person was prophet, and therefore the prophet will become evil and unleash a terror that no one has any hope of controlling? And what if said clause wasn't even known to exist until the events to create the ultimate evil have started? And wouldn't it be so ironic if the one person who was the prophet discovered this clause but never realized that he was the prophet (or the demon), even after discovering this clause? And what if this prophet was hated by his magical order, the head of an empire (he was the prince of very poor patch of island), and the evil souls? Throw into this mix a person who isn't really allowed access to the sacred magical scripts that contain the prophecy but somehow gets her hands on them anyway and realizes who the prophet is. This person makes a deal with evil souls to acquire magic so that she can stop the inevitable events that will cause damnation for the prophet and everyone else. This comes, of course, too late, but she's going to try anyway to save souls, even if it means the end of her life. Throw in the fact that they both come to love each other but steadfastly refuse to admit it. Sounds like the beginnings of a good story, doesn't it?

Stories like this float around Crazy Girl's head.

She can't control them. They pop up out of nowhere. For the longest time she tried to write stories but they just wouldn't work out and she would abandon them. But suddenly, in a time period when friends ignored her and she became depressed, they flowed out onto paper with such force that she couldn't believe it was her own handwriting creating these stories. Since then, the urge hasn't gone away. She can't stop writing. This would not be so bad if she actually tried to socialize but the urge keeps her limited in speech...what she cannot say she cannot stop writing. It's in her poetry, it's in her stories, aided by music that when strung together develops a rich story of its own. Music has always been there for her in way that people haven't. It helps her with her moods, with her insecurites, with anything. She lives for it. And now...the stories are begging to be written down....

Scenery

The leaves fall off the trees and scatter themselves about the curbs and the grass. Crazy Girl loves fall but hates the cold. She really hates extremes of temperatures. It's never quite right for her.

It would also help if she were sane. Then the weather wouldn't affect her mood so much. Or maybe she feels a little disillusioned by this whole love thing.

"I love you," she wants to say to him. "I love you so much that when I see you struggle like you do now, I want to hold you until it goes away. I want to shoo all of the negativity away until there's nothing left but calm. I want to tell you about all of my hopes and my dreams and I want to share the everyday poetry that I live in. I want to share with you what I see, how I see the world. I want to be able to tell you that I see glowing clouds upon moonlight, misty and inviting, no hint of chill, and leaves that caress the ground with bittersweet longing, a shadow of what they once were. I want to revel in your prescence, content to touch the tip of your knuckle, and feel the way your head is always working. Such energy. Such sadness. There's something there that I want to comfort, as if there's a disquiet inside, not too deep, but not on the surface, a strange energy that I crave. I want to lay in your arms and cuddle against your body, soft and warm and protecting. I want to share all of the thoughts in my head with you, no matter how bitter or bittersweet they may be, no matter how alarming, how disarming they are. I want to tell you that I care very deeply for you. I want to tell you that I want you, that I think of you sometimes and still blush over things...you said (or did). I want you, I want to love you. I want to let you into my world. You've had but a glimpse."

But she can't. She really can't. She knows that it's not possible. So she keeps quiet over her beer, thinking and thinking, until there is nothing left to think. It took so long to tell the last one. It'll take even longer now. She wants to say, "Beat it out of me!" but then again, she's a big girl and can think for herself. She knows that people see through her antics but on the same token, it's not as if they know what she's really thinking. She has no courage. Half the time it's about him, and about their "relationship". She had promised herself no more of this inbetween, "kinda-sorta" stuff. And it's happened. Again. And she had promised herself no more men, no more anything, until she was able to set herself straight with all of her other problems. She can't understand that when this happens, when she makes these vows, something comes about to thwart her efforts. She has no willpower. Check that, she has willpower, just not enough to say what she needs to. She knows that she's afraid that he'll suddenly drop her if she says anything. So she keeps quiet in her beer and hopes on the off chance he'll read this. She knows he won't. No one will. She is alone, all alone, with just her thoughts to entertain her. It's crazy, she thinks, to be trapped in this circle....