Thursday, September 19, 2002
Light of Day
Those slow, relentless hours of day hover around her like the Shadows and the ghosts and all things that exist only in mind, in insane minds, in minds corrupted by commercialism. Oh, to be ignorant like everybody else, she thinks. Crazy Girl has always wanted to be normal. But in her struggle for normalness, she has become the abnormal.
And these feelings of hopelessness, of hate, of pure and utter loathing consume her. It's not the fact of reality that causes these feelings. It's the unreality that she's experiencing that leads her to press needles into the palms of her hands. She even wrote a poem about it.
Love.
Oh, how she hates "love". It is stupid and trivial and evil. Of all that is human, it is this "love" that is the worst. This horrid feeling that one feels for another, this total and unrelenting emotion which drives the most sensible human into insanity, making that human do things that he/she would not normally do. Crazy Girl should be beyond "love". She's figured things out...but it still haunts her. To understand the whole of humanity and humanness, one must take an objective look at it, which means stepping outside of the very thing she is mired in. Humanity is a paradox: every day, humans are doing things that are contrary to logic, humans are agreeing with people that they really don't agree with, humans are arguing with people that they really agree with. How is it possible for two people to argue the same point in different ways and still think that they are arguing two different points? Ah...the answer to that is that humans are irrational creatures. Humans are subject to emotions, which are not rational in any sense and in fact are almost entirely unexplainable to others. Emotions color the world humans live in and therefore can effect the way in which they think. Therefore, there is no logical human. They're all irrational, subject to their irrational emotions, which in turn effects their logic and thinking. So, humans are irrational and illogical. And then comes the paradox. Humans are only rational and logical in the sense that they are irrational and illogical. Once she realized that humans were irrational and illogical and subject to their emotions, Crazy Girl understood them better...so well in fact, that it is rumored that she's psychic. Humans became logical and rational when she realized that they were illogical and irrational. A method to their madness. They strive to be individuals yet they constantly search for other individuals who share their opinions, backgrounds, ideas. They become individuals to form societies with other like individuals. They want to be different just like everybody else. It is this struggle that complicates human communication, thoughts, emotions.
Figuring this out has placed Crazy Girl in an odd position. With this knowledge, she has found a higher plane of existence. She exploits it to the fullest. To know what it is to be human is to cast away emotion...for in being emotionless, one experiences a depth of emotions so great, it would rip the mere mortal soul to shreds. She has cast away logic to become the most logical creature she knows. To be the uberhuman, she must be everything it is not, for only then will she become the most human. It is a power akin to magic...real, unadulterated magic, magic without spells, magic that commands wind and rain and fog, magic that is more godlike than witchlike. And she understands God on a whole different level than most people. She has always wanted to step into conversations about God and say, "You've got it wrong; that's not what God wants." But then they will ask for proof. All she can answer is, "I just know." No proof for the illogical human trying to be logical over something that isn't a logical thing at all...therefore, she knows nothing and is dismissed by the wave of a hand or a nod of the head. Subject to her emotions, Crazy Girl hates being dismissed when her wisdom is dismissed.
She has learned to hate people. But she can't help but love them all. This is the only aspect of her life which drives her crazy.
She should be above both emotions but they continue to plague her. Somehow, love and hate have become interchangable. For most people, Crazy Girl is indifferent. There's like and dislike, too, but for the people she knows well, there's love and hate. Sometimes she only hates (or loves) certain people. The emotion is constant. For others, she may love them, then hate them, then love them, then hate them...an endless circle that continually revolves. Crazy Girl feels that she should be above love and hate. Hate she deals well with. It's the love that really gets her. She doesn't understand love. She hates love. Love is for silly little sixteen year olds who think that they have the world figured out but don't really have it figured out. Love is for emotionally silly people who have nothing better to worry about. Love is for those who have never and will never care so deeply about someone that they try and harness their magic powers of humanity to help another person.
"Love's for everyone who isn't me..." (Soundgarden) That's why she listens to the music she does.
"Love, thy devil's name / curse the hearts of wicked and tame..." That's why she wrote a poem about it.
That's why she's Crazy Girl.
Those slow, relentless hours of day hover around her like the Shadows and the ghosts and all things that exist only in mind, in insane minds, in minds corrupted by commercialism. Oh, to be ignorant like everybody else, she thinks. Crazy Girl has always wanted to be normal. But in her struggle for normalness, she has become the abnormal.
And these feelings of hopelessness, of hate, of pure and utter loathing consume her. It's not the fact of reality that causes these feelings. It's the unreality that she's experiencing that leads her to press needles into the palms of her hands. She even wrote a poem about it.
Love.
Oh, how she hates "love". It is stupid and trivial and evil. Of all that is human, it is this "love" that is the worst. This horrid feeling that one feels for another, this total and unrelenting emotion which drives the most sensible human into insanity, making that human do things that he/she would not normally do. Crazy Girl should be beyond "love". She's figured things out...but it still haunts her. To understand the whole of humanity and humanness, one must take an objective look at it, which means stepping outside of the very thing she is mired in. Humanity is a paradox: every day, humans are doing things that are contrary to logic, humans are agreeing with people that they really don't agree with, humans are arguing with people that they really agree with. How is it possible for two people to argue the same point in different ways and still think that they are arguing two different points? Ah...the answer to that is that humans are irrational creatures. Humans are subject to emotions, which are not rational in any sense and in fact are almost entirely unexplainable to others. Emotions color the world humans live in and therefore can effect the way in which they think. Therefore, there is no logical human. They're all irrational, subject to their irrational emotions, which in turn effects their logic and thinking. So, humans are irrational and illogical. And then comes the paradox. Humans are only rational and logical in the sense that they are irrational and illogical. Once she realized that humans were irrational and illogical and subject to their emotions, Crazy Girl understood them better...so well in fact, that it is rumored that she's psychic. Humans became logical and rational when she realized that they were illogical and irrational. A method to their madness. They strive to be individuals yet they constantly search for other individuals who share their opinions, backgrounds, ideas. They become individuals to form societies with other like individuals. They want to be different just like everybody else. It is this struggle that complicates human communication, thoughts, emotions.
Figuring this out has placed Crazy Girl in an odd position. With this knowledge, she has found a higher plane of existence. She exploits it to the fullest. To know what it is to be human is to cast away emotion...for in being emotionless, one experiences a depth of emotions so great, it would rip the mere mortal soul to shreds. She has cast away logic to become the most logical creature she knows. To be the uberhuman, she must be everything it is not, for only then will she become the most human. It is a power akin to magic...real, unadulterated magic, magic without spells, magic that commands wind and rain and fog, magic that is more godlike than witchlike. And she understands God on a whole different level than most people. She has always wanted to step into conversations about God and say, "You've got it wrong; that's not what God wants." But then they will ask for proof. All she can answer is, "I just know." No proof for the illogical human trying to be logical over something that isn't a logical thing at all...therefore, she knows nothing and is dismissed by the wave of a hand or a nod of the head. Subject to her emotions, Crazy Girl hates being dismissed when her wisdom is dismissed.
She has learned to hate people. But she can't help but love them all. This is the only aspect of her life which drives her crazy.
She should be above both emotions but they continue to plague her. Somehow, love and hate have become interchangable. For most people, Crazy Girl is indifferent. There's like and dislike, too, but for the people she knows well, there's love and hate. Sometimes she only hates (or loves) certain people. The emotion is constant. For others, she may love them, then hate them, then love them, then hate them...an endless circle that continually revolves. Crazy Girl feels that she should be above love and hate. Hate she deals well with. It's the love that really gets her. She doesn't understand love. She hates love. Love is for silly little sixteen year olds who think that they have the world figured out but don't really have it figured out. Love is for emotionally silly people who have nothing better to worry about. Love is for those who have never and will never care so deeply about someone that they try and harness their magic powers of humanity to help another person.
"Love's for everyone who isn't me..." (Soundgarden) That's why she listens to the music she does.
"Love, thy devil's name / curse the hearts of wicked and tame..." That's why she wrote a poem about it.
That's why she's Crazy Girl.
# posted by Crazy Girl @ 13:10 
