Friday, November 01, 2002
Scenery
The leaves fall off the trees and scatter themselves about the curbs and the grass. Crazy Girl loves fall but hates the cold. She really hates extremes of temperatures. It's never quite right for her.
It would also help if she were sane. Then the weather wouldn't affect her mood so much. Or maybe she feels a little disillusioned by this whole love thing.
"I love you," she wants to say to him. "I love you so much that when I see you struggle like you do now, I want to hold you until it goes away. I want to shoo all of the negativity away until there's nothing left but calm. I want to tell you about all of my hopes and my dreams and I want to share the everyday poetry that I live in. I want to share with you what I see, how I see the world. I want to be able to tell you that I see glowing clouds upon moonlight, misty and inviting, no hint of chill, and leaves that caress the ground with bittersweet longing, a shadow of what they once were. I want to revel in your prescence, content to touch the tip of your knuckle, and feel the way your head is always working. Such energy. Such sadness. There's something there that I want to comfort, as if there's a disquiet inside, not too deep, but not on the surface, a strange energy that I crave. I want to lay in your arms and cuddle against your body, soft and warm and protecting. I want to share all of the thoughts in my head with you, no matter how bitter or bittersweet they may be, no matter how alarming, how disarming they are. I want to tell you that I care very deeply for you. I want to tell you that I want you, that I think of you sometimes and still blush over things...you said (or did). I want you, I want to love you. I want to let you into my world. You've had but a glimpse."
But she can't. She really can't. She knows that it's not possible. So she keeps quiet over her beer, thinking and thinking, until there is nothing left to think. It took so long to tell the last one. It'll take even longer now. She wants to say, "Beat it out of me!" but then again, she's a big girl and can think for herself. She knows that people see through her antics but on the same token, it's not as if they know what she's really thinking. She has no courage. Half the time it's about him, and about their "relationship". She had promised herself no more of this inbetween, "kinda-sorta" stuff. And it's happened. Again. And she had promised herself no more men, no more anything, until she was able to set herself straight with all of her other problems. She can't understand that when this happens, when she makes these vows, something comes about to thwart her efforts. She has no willpower. Check that, she has willpower, just not enough to say what she needs to. She knows that she's afraid that he'll suddenly drop her if she says anything. So she keeps quiet in her beer and hopes on the off chance he'll read this. She knows he won't. No one will. She is alone, all alone, with just her thoughts to entertain her. It's crazy, she thinks, to be trapped in this circle....
The leaves fall off the trees and scatter themselves about the curbs and the grass. Crazy Girl loves fall but hates the cold. She really hates extremes of temperatures. It's never quite right for her.
It would also help if she were sane. Then the weather wouldn't affect her mood so much. Or maybe she feels a little disillusioned by this whole love thing.
"I love you," she wants to say to him. "I love you so much that when I see you struggle like you do now, I want to hold you until it goes away. I want to shoo all of the negativity away until there's nothing left but calm. I want to tell you about all of my hopes and my dreams and I want to share the everyday poetry that I live in. I want to share with you what I see, how I see the world. I want to be able to tell you that I see glowing clouds upon moonlight, misty and inviting, no hint of chill, and leaves that caress the ground with bittersweet longing, a shadow of what they once were. I want to revel in your prescence, content to touch the tip of your knuckle, and feel the way your head is always working. Such energy. Such sadness. There's something there that I want to comfort, as if there's a disquiet inside, not too deep, but not on the surface, a strange energy that I crave. I want to lay in your arms and cuddle against your body, soft and warm and protecting. I want to share all of the thoughts in my head with you, no matter how bitter or bittersweet they may be, no matter how alarming, how disarming they are. I want to tell you that I care very deeply for you. I want to tell you that I want you, that I think of you sometimes and still blush over things...you said (or did). I want you, I want to love you. I want to let you into my world. You've had but a glimpse."
But she can't. She really can't. She knows that it's not possible. So she keeps quiet over her beer, thinking and thinking, until there is nothing left to think. It took so long to tell the last one. It'll take even longer now. She wants to say, "Beat it out of me!" but then again, she's a big girl and can think for herself. She knows that people see through her antics but on the same token, it's not as if they know what she's really thinking. She has no courage. Half the time it's about him, and about their "relationship". She had promised herself no more of this inbetween, "kinda-sorta" stuff. And it's happened. Again. And she had promised herself no more men, no more anything, until she was able to set herself straight with all of her other problems. She can't understand that when this happens, when she makes these vows, something comes about to thwart her efforts. She has no willpower. Check that, she has willpower, just not enough to say what she needs to. She knows that she's afraid that he'll suddenly drop her if she says anything. So she keeps quiet in her beer and hopes on the off chance he'll read this. She knows he won't. No one will. She is alone, all alone, with just her thoughts to entertain her. It's crazy, she thinks, to be trapped in this circle....
# posted by Crazy Girl @ 18:07 
